Today I think I got to the “What the hell am I doing here?” phase that I’ve heard is so common. I’ve been reassured by numerous people in my program that the first semester sucks, you have no clue what you are doing, you screw up a lot, and you feel like a total idiot.

I don’t like feeling like an idiot.

They say, however, that it gets easier. You get a handle on things after the first semester. Most importantly, you can learn from how you screwed up and not screw up again.

I wish that point was now.

I went to a workshop today on conference presentations. The average number of conference papers that people in my program do is 10. Are you kidding? I not only have to survive this semester of writing these papers, but then I have to try to get them presented somewhere? So I can ultimately get them published somewhere?

This is about where the thought “What the hell am I doing here?” hit me. The “I’m not this smart” thought. The massive self-doubt that is so encouraging.

Compounding this is that I’ve been staring at the computer screen almost all day, trying to get to the next section in a paper I’m writing for my research class, not finding any literature that will help me devise my argument, and generally not knowing what to do next.

I hate this feeling.

I now almost don’t want December to come, because I’m afraid I’ll be the first person in our program’s history to be asked to leave. The “Haha, sorry, we made a mistake” phenomena.

I’m not going to let this happen. Unfortunately right now, my brain seems to be stuck. Very stuck.

I hate that.